GIVING GRACE
To be honest, there is only one relationship in my life where I struggle with harmony, and that is with our mentally-handicapped son. Many of his problems are not his fault. Because his birth-mother drank alcohol before he was born, his brain was permanently damaged. When we adopted him at one year of age, we knew he had “special needs,” but no diagnosis. I assumed that love, God’s Word, good training, discipline, and God’s healing would “fix it.” That is not the case. You have no idea how many times I have “died” to my hopes and dreams for Josh. I’ve had to learn to love and accept him JUST AS HE IS.
Josh is now 20, and the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome are very evident: ADHD, he’s impulsive, immature, has poor self-control, struggles academically and socially, and will probably never live independently. He doesn’t face an easy life as a vulnerable adult.
My biggest shock as a mother was realizing my own sin, critical spirit, and impatience. The greatest struggle that I have right now is that Josh doesn’t want his mother telling him what to do! I still correct him too much and praise him too little. Lyndon is much better in patience and understanding of Josh.
Here are a few thoughts I would share with parents of “special-needs” (and all!) children:
- Set priorities of the most important things you focus on. You can’t correct everything.
- Realize that some things will never change. Let them go and don’t make them an issue.
- Jesus never used shame to motivate anyone, and neither should we.
- There is no condemnation (to declare guilty, worthless, or unfit for use or service; conveying the idea of utter rejection, doom) in Jesus (Romans 8:1). Make sure to distinguish that you LOVE your children but hate their SIN.
Learn to laugh more. That eases the tension.
Still growing in GRACE,
Linda Korhonen
